Justin spent much of his summer helping us. Justin and Rachelle fixed the insulation in our attic and were rewarded with head to foot bruises from the rafters. There were many other projects to help get our home in order.

Kara and her kids came to visit, as did Aimee and family and Mike and family.

Dennis continued to get sicker on chemo. His.last IV chemo, he took twenty minutes deciding if he was going to take it. He said that since he was at the oncologist's office, he would do the chemo. He had nearly every side effect listed for the chemo. He felt like he was dieing. His blood pressure was getting very low. One day he decided he couldn't take it any longer. He asked me if he could quit chemo. I told him it was up to him, I would support him. They can't cure the cancer. The chemo could only slow it down. The one tumor that can be seen on CT was larger. The doctor said if the chemo was going to do any good, it would have done it by now, by shrinking the tumor. Dennis told him that his stomach symptoms were better, at which the doctor said that perhaps it did some good.

We grew fond of one of the chemo nurses. Marylyn helped us in so many ways. We will miss her, but we won't miss the chemo.

The  Oncologist told us it was now a waiting game for the next crisis. It could be a blockage at the stomach. For that, they can insert a stent to allow food to empty out of the stomach. It could be bowel blockage from the tumor at the cecum. Depending on specifics, they can do a stent, do surgery, do radiation or a combination of treatments to help. It could invade the liver causing it to fail and causing ascites that could be drained periodically. It could invade the pericardium causing pericardial effusion and tamponade. If that happens, patients don't make it past a month. It can cross the blood-brain barrier and affect the brain. If it does, it will manifest as a major stroke. Patients live less than a week when that happens. It can also invade other organs and cause various problems. There is a small lesion in the right kidney that has enlarged slightly.

Last April Dennis was told end of October or early November. We have made plans through the end of December. I pray we can keep those plans.

It took over a month for the first hint that hair might grow back. His gray hair is doubled (two dozen gray hairs) and the hair is half as thick. It came in baby soft and grows very slowly. The first places it fell out is where it is the thinnest.

Dennis is getting stronger and feeling better except for new abdominal pains and a few new problems with the bowel and urinary tract.  Every new pain and problem makes us nervous. Is it the cancer? He is trying to do things around the house to leave it in good shape for me.

We are amazed at the number of people who have us in their prayers and the many kindnesses shown to us.

There is a quiet underlying sadness even in moments of joy. I'm trying to memorize special moments so I can recall them when I need them, and I will need them. Dennis can sense the sadness in me and I can sense the sadness in him. I am sad when I see his scars from surgery. I am sad when I see how chemotherapy has aged him 20+ years. I am sad when I think of the suffering he has yet to go through. I am sad when I think of the "last times". The last time he will see a son or daughter or grandchild. The last time he will see his brother or a sister, at least in this life. I can't let the sadness overtake me or I will miss out on " now".  I take in these precious moments, and yet the sadness is always there.

I can't bear to take down the willow nativity on the piano during all of this. Somehow I find it comforting.

At the last visit to the oncologist, we got a prescription for stronger compression hose (30-40). That has made a huge difference. Dennis can do things and have a life. The leg is still discolored.

In sacrament meeting we sang Come, Come Ye Saints. In many ways it pertains to this new journey that we didn't volunteer for. The words, "all is well" remind me of Duella and how she would try to comfort us with, "I'll be ok", as she was dying. I noticed Dennis couldn't sing the verse, "And should we die before our journey's through". I noticed a tear falling onto the music.

Dennis got sicker by the day this time. Saturday he felt like he was dieing and his blood pressure was low. We looked at the side effects for capecitamine and he had nearly every one listed in the less than 10%, 8%, and 3%. The IV meds take a bigger toll.

It's funny how we can go to the doctor's appointment and hear two very different things. Betty thinks it's because we have a medical background so we understand things better. I'm glad I've been able to go to every doctor's appointment. At the last appointment I heard, "if the chemo is going to work, we usually see some evidence of that in the weeks after the third treatment, that's why we reevaluate after three". Dennis heard, "If the chemo's going to work, it will have done it by the third treatment" inferring that three treatments will do everything that's needed, if it's working.

Another thing that Betty said that makes so much sense is that perhaps it started in the appendix because it destroyed the appendix and that is the area where it is the most progressed.

His DVT continues to be a big problem with pain, swelling and discoloration of the leg. His INR is all over the place.

The reunion for Dennis' siblings in Star Valley was amazing but cut short because of a chemotherapy appointment. Many times I remembered why I love his family so much. They are so loving and giving and so much fun to be with.

Monday night we ate fast food, unpacked, hiked and visited. Dennis had a tick crawling on him. Tuesday we ate breakfast, Dennis went golfing with Betty and Linne and Maureen and I went on a long, brisk walk. We watched Parental Guidance in the theater room.

Tuesday evening we went to Jackson for pictures in old fashioned costumes and then went to the Bar J Chuck Wagon Buffet. The food was pretty good and the entertainment was good. We saw Jim and Naomi Gazdik at the Bar J. They should have been invited as one of the sibling couples; they have been so much a part of the family. That morning I had been thinking of them. Jim is like a brother to Dennis and Naomi is like a sister. It was nice to have Linne drive us in his fancy car.

Wednesday Dennis and I went on a walk. We couldn't go far as his leg got very swollen and painful in a short time. That afternoon we went back to Jackson. There is a wonderful ice cream store where they make their own ice cream. Again it was nice to have Linne drive, but this time it was Dennis' truck. Dennis tried sitting out front with his leg propped up while Betty and Linne visited with Kory and Corey and kids. The women went shopping. The men went different ways. After a little while, I went back to sit with Dennis. His leg was getting bad. That evening we went to the dinner theater behind the Wort Hotel. The food was great. We all had rib steak. Paint Your Wagon seemed more like High School entertainment but was still fun. Dennis's leg got so bad that he had to leave at intermission with only about 20 minutes left of the play. . Linne and Betty drove him back to the cabin as he lay on the back seat with his leg up. I rode with Jan and Ken.

Thursday we spent visiting at the cabin. Dennis and I took off late that afternoon. We had planned to stay with Aimee that night, but Dennis' leg was so bad, he insisted we go home so he could sleep in our own bed. I never thought I would own an adjustable bed (didn't think it was worth the expense) but this one (REM) has been a life saver. He can elevate his legs to drain the edema and his torso to keep the reflux down. One can lay in the same position for many hours without pressure points, aches or pains.

The cabin was amazing. I don't want to forget the features, so bear with me. The architecture was very well thought up. It was built on a hill with a gorgeous view from the living room windows on the west. The upper level was spacious with a huge open concept kitchen  and living room. It was about 100 feet in length. There was a large fireplace and book shelves in front of the five foot wide stairway. To the left behind the living room, the first door was a large walk-in storage room with 8 foot long shelves on one side and storage for folding chairs on the other side, with long tables on their end at the end. The next door was a bedroom with a walk-in closet. Next was the bathroom with an interesting design. In the back there were two doors. Behind one door there was a bathtub/shower and toilet. The other one had a shower and toilet. In front of that there were two sinks with mirrors, one at each end and an open archway to the hall. The next door had another nice bedroom.

To the right of the cabin, the large kitchen had beautiful, tall kitchen cabinets (8-10 feet tall) in the back. There was a doorway that led to a large laundry room with a modern washer and dryer, a half bath in the back, a back door to the right and two large walk-in pantries (8 x 10 feet) on the left. One pantry next to the kitchen used for food, paper supplies, etc. The next pantry is used for all kinds of other storage with large custom built shelves. Back to the kitchen, there is a raised L-shaped bar that faces into the kitchen with corresponding cabinets, countertop, two stoves and a sink.  There's 8 bar stools, but room for twice that number. To the right of the cabin, there is a wall of windows along the kitchen/dining area. Under the windows in the kitchen area is cabinets and countertop about 12 feet long with a double sink and a dishwasher. The bar ends in a wall of cabinets at the rear. A large refrigerator is on the back wall among cabinets. The bathrooms, laundry, storage, utility,  kitchen, dining and entry have large floor tiles. The rest is a thick, soft carpet.

In front of the kitchen is a long dining table. There is a round dining table to the right of the entry and to the left of it, there is a large decoration with fake trees, rocks, bears, etc. out the front door is a large deck that spans the front and wraps around the kitchen and past the laundry and rear door.

Downstairs there is a walk out basement (large patio and parking) with a large family room (with ping pong table, air hockey table, piano, table, hide-a-bed, fireplace in front of the stairs and more custom book shelves). To the left is a bedroom, bathroom (2 sinks and separate room for bathtub and toilet), utility room (furnace, 2 water heaters, storage), bedroom, and a children's play area under the stairs with a half door. On the right there is a bedroom, galley kitchen (stove, refrigerator), bathroom with large custom cabinets for storage, bedroom, and a large theater room behind the stairs with two levels. At the back of the theater room, queen bunk beds. There were several couches and there were foam queen mattresses on the floor in front. There was an entertainment system on the back wall and a projection system. The front wall had speakers built in and served as the screen.

The cabin was landscaped and beautifully decorated. The propane tank was buried under landscaping. One garden had an old wagon. Another had a sharpening stone wheel and some other antiques.

The cabin was situated so the left side (living room) faced west with a gorgeous view of Star Valley and the right (kitchen, laundry, etc.) faced a small forest canyon, a little stream and a little man made dam.

Years ago Dennis told me, "Too many people get caught up in the importance of positions and callings in the church. They think their value is measured by the importance and power of their callings. They don't get it. God's eternal family is what matters. The church is here to help us get back to our eternal family. The priesthood is here to serve and help in that effort. When you see Jesus using his priesthood power, it is in service to others. You see him loving, caring, healing and teaching them what they need to do to return to their Father in Heaven". The priesthood doesn't have a monopoly on loving and caring and teaching and healing.
Why be jealous of the priesthood? My personal feeling is that It's in God's design for men and women to be different. That way it takes two different halves to make a whole. Eternal marriage makes even more sense with that understanding. My husband has always put The Lord first and by doing that, puts me and our children before himself. He's a good example of honesty and service.

This was my response and feelings about a current topic in the news. Let me use another analogy:  professional athletes such as basketball players and soccer players are professional  athletes because they have fine tuned physical skills and are more athletically talented than most of the rest of us. That is why I am so skeptical when a leg accidentally flys out to trip another player or an elbow accidentally flys into someone's eye. That is why I am also skeptical when a women's rights attorney who is expert at crafting words and expert at getting sympathy and trying things in the court of public opinion acts like she loves the church with her words while she twists daggers into it with her actions. "By their fruits ye shall know them". I believe she has her own agenda and that agenda isn't out of love for the savior. She seems to love attention and power and controlling others. I won't use her name. I was listening to a song today..."and give all the glory to me. Give it to me". A far cry from the humility of our church leaders who don't seek power and dominion, but serve with love. They are deeply humbled at the responsibility and workload of their callings and responsibilities. I think we should be suspicious of anyone seeking power and dominion over us.

A relative of my daughter in law was a newspaper co-worker of Thomas S. Monson many years ago and saw him when he returned from a meeting at church headquarters. He noticed T. S. Monson was very pale and shakey and looked sick. He asked him, "What's the matter Tom? Did they call you to the twelve apostles or something"?

There's a discussion that needs to take place, but how do I bring it up? What does Dennis want to see with our family after he's gone? He's always been a hard worker and now he has feelings of worthlessness. He still tries to help me, though the simplest tasks cause him to be exhausted. He's so apologetic about getting sick. He's realistic about what we are facing. He's searching his soul about whether to do the last two chemos. It seems he's afraid to talk about the distant future, that he's imposing on me by being sick. I will continue to assure him that I want to be here with him and for him. I'm in it for the long haul and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I want him to express his wishes about the future.

I've tried to do some research about signet ring cell linitis plastica. They tested samples of the tumors and told us it is not the genetic form of the disease. The good news is that our children don't have to worry about inheriting it or the associated lobular breast carcinoma. The bad news is that while the genetic form responds fairly well to treatment, the environmental form does not. It is very aggressive. It can cause many problems besides problems with eating and digestion. It can cause bowel blockage requiring surgery or radiation. It can stiffen and inflame the lining around the heart and cause cardiac tamponade. It can cross over into cerebral spinal fluid and affect the brain, causing Alzheimer's or stroke symptoms. Dennis' blood is so thin that it's crazy that he got a DVT. The oncologist said this was a complication from the cancer and no one can guess the next crisis we will face.

Approximately 25,000 people per year in the U.S. Get gastric cancer. About 2,500 get linitis plastica. Of those, 51% have the genetic form, so about 1,200 have the environmental form. Of those, most are Asian and most of those were born in an Asian country, with Japan and Korea having the highest incidence. Most of the victims are women. They don't know what causes it in a white male born in the U.S. He has traveled to Japan (no sushi in Japan), Brazil and Mexico.

We are blessed that Dennis has medical insurance and that they have been very good to us. July 1st we start all over with deductibles and out-of-pocket. Everything is so expensive. We are grateful for "Cowboys for Cancer". They sent us a financial grant that helped us get caught up to date with our medical bills.

I saw Sandy Owens at the grocery store. I truly believe she knows what I am going through, as we talked and cried together...only she's been going through this for over 4 1/2 years. I have much to learn from her.

As the days passed, Dennis got sicker. Aimee came to help for the week. She is such a wonderful daughter. We were supposed to help Paul and Kyla move to Tennessee but we postponed the trip one week. Even then it was doubtful he would be able to travel. I arranged for wheelchair assistance and he didn't argue.  A little boy at the airport asked him what was wrong - why he wore a mask. He explained he was sick and the mask protected him from germs. Many people stared at us...Dennis with a mask and me pushing a wheelchair (at Detroit the chair didn't come with a person to help).

At Paul's, he felt a little better each day. Before traveling he had injured his thigh, but it appeared ok, but sore. His leg would swell a little but then go down at night. Then one day it didn't look right and the swelling didn't go down. Paul and I were worried about DVT but Dennis declined having me take him to the hospital. Dennis knew this would be the last time he would see Paul. Paul was starting a 6 year residency the end of June and there would be no time off for several years. Kara was driving 8 1/2 hours to bring her kids to see him and to make some memories. We haven't seen those grand kids in a long time. It might be the last time he sees Kara. He always put his kids first.  What would you choose if you knew you would never see your kids or grand kids again in this life?  There were many tears shed at good bye.

We should have insisted on a hospital visit as his leg got worse and he got a P E. He was finally ready to go to the hospital. We spent the night at the hospital so we wouldn't miss time with the kids. The ER doctor allowed us to do the Lovenox shots, but the male nurse became very alarmed when Dennis said we should just give them in the I.V. They had started. Dennis protects his chemo port.
Dennis told me, " I can't travel anymore when I'm on chemo. It's too hard.

Paul's home teacher trained at Cleveland Clinic and recently came to Rock Springs to practice. He's a gentle giant at 6'11". He told me of an old conference talk where the authority described terminal cancer as a disease of love, going on to explain that it allows families to grow stronger and to prepare and say their goodbyes. When Duella died, I discovered it was a privilege, not a burden. The Lord was preparing me. It's been an amazing 38 years.

It was a treasure to watch and hold and love our grandchildren. They were so cute and played well together. Colby (3 years old) scraped his leg and said to Lydia (2), "Come give me some feel better". Lydia kissed the scrape twice and Colby said, "Ahhhh, you love me"!

Tennessee is beautiful. The streets are narrow. Traffic goes about 15-20 mph above the speed limit on the freeway during daylight. The people we met were nice. Paul and Kyla were amazing to us as was Kara and her family. It was hard saying good bye to our loved ones.

Dennis was in a lot of pain traveling home and for almost another week.

The next chemo seemed to be a little better. He kept his potassium and hydration better. He has been able to eat better. He's still very tired.

Justin has become an accomplished cook and he made several meals for us. He spent all day cleaning when we were away for chemo. I don't know what I would do without my kids. They have been a source of help and strength. The bonus is that they come with cute grand kids whom I love dearly and whom I pray for daily. Each one has unique talents and a unique personality.

The men made a trip to Las Vegas to make memories. In the past they went there for the Mountain West Conference, but that was during Duella's funeral and before the diagnosis. They went to the Body Works exhibit, a car show and a baseball game - and of course, good places to eat. Dennis described a tender scene of four grown men crying at the airport.

The next week, Justin (with Dennis) drove Paul and family to Salt lake to fly home.

Friday was the third chemo. We went on a walk with Aimee, David, Molly and Sara. It was beautiful. The cottonwood trees shed so much cotton that it looked like snow...a lot of snow. They have been so good to us.

At chemo, they had a potluck lunch and invited all the patients.We ate grilled burgers, chips, fruit and chips before Dennis got too sick. The last chemo was so bad that Dennis thought he was going to die. His blood potassium had been low and that caused cramping, tetanus and hiccups. Justin and Paul told him not to take his diuretic and to eat lots of foods with potassium. This time, chemo went much better. He is tired and sick but without the tetanus.

I feel bad when he apologizes for getting sick and inconveniencing me. It's not an inconvenience. He is the love of my life. With tears in his eyes and breaking voice, he thanks me for marrying him. I am the lucky one and he is my treasure.