There is a quiet underlying sadness even in moments of joy. I'm trying to memorize special moments so I can recall them when I need them, and I will need them. Dennis can sense the sadness in me and I can sense the sadness in him. I am sad when I see his scars from surgery. I am sad when I see how chemotherapy has aged him 20+ years. I am sad when I think of the suffering he has yet to go through. I am sad when I think of the "last times". The last time he will see a son or daughter or grandchild. The last time he will see his brother or a sister, at least in this life. I can't let the sadness overtake me or I will miss out on " now".  I take in these precious moments, and yet the sadness is always there.

I can't bear to take down the willow nativity on the piano during all of this. Somehow I find it comforting.

At the last visit to the oncologist, we got a prescription for stronger compression hose (30-40). That has made a huge difference. Dennis can do things and have a life. The leg is still discolored.

In sacrament meeting we sang Come, Come Ye Saints. In many ways it pertains to this new journey that we didn't volunteer for. The words, "all is well" remind me of Duella and how she would try to comfort us with, "I'll be ok", as she was dying. I noticed Dennis couldn't sing the verse, "And should we die before our journey's through". I noticed a tear falling onto the music.

Dennis got sicker by the day this time. Saturday he felt like he was dieing and his blood pressure was low. We looked at the side effects for capecitamine and he had nearly every one listed in the less than 10%, 8%, and 3%. The IV meds take a bigger toll.

It's funny how we can go to the doctor's appointment and hear two very different things. Betty thinks it's because we have a medical background so we understand things better. I'm glad I've been able to go to every doctor's appointment. At the last appointment I heard, "if the chemo is going to work, we usually see some evidence of that in the weeks after the third treatment, that's why we reevaluate after three". Dennis heard, "If the chemo's going to work, it will have done it by the third treatment" inferring that three treatments will do everything that's needed, if it's working.

Another thing that Betty said that makes so much sense is that perhaps it started in the appendix because it destroyed the appendix and that is the area where it is the most progressed.

His DVT continues to be a big problem with pain, swelling and discoloration of the leg. His INR is all over the place.

The reunion for Dennis' siblings in Star Valley was amazing but cut short because of a chemotherapy appointment. Many times I remembered why I love his family so much. They are so loving and giving and so much fun to be with.

Monday night we ate fast food, unpacked, hiked and visited. Dennis had a tick crawling on him. Tuesday we ate breakfast, Dennis went golfing with Betty and Linne and Maureen and I went on a long, brisk walk. We watched Parental Guidance in the theater room.

Tuesday evening we went to Jackson for pictures in old fashioned costumes and then went to the Bar J Chuck Wagon Buffet. The food was pretty good and the entertainment was good. We saw Jim and Naomi Gazdik at the Bar J. They should have been invited as one of the sibling couples; they have been so much a part of the family. That morning I had been thinking of them. Jim is like a brother to Dennis and Naomi is like a sister. It was nice to have Linne drive us in his fancy car.

Wednesday Dennis and I went on a walk. We couldn't go far as his leg got very swollen and painful in a short time. That afternoon we went back to Jackson. There is a wonderful ice cream store where they make their own ice cream. Again it was nice to have Linne drive, but this time it was Dennis' truck. Dennis tried sitting out front with his leg propped up while Betty and Linne visited with Kory and Corey and kids. The women went shopping. The men went different ways. After a little while, I went back to sit with Dennis. His leg was getting bad. That evening we went to the dinner theater behind the Wort Hotel. The food was great. We all had rib steak. Paint Your Wagon seemed more like High School entertainment but was still fun. Dennis's leg got so bad that he had to leave at intermission with only about 20 minutes left of the play. . Linne and Betty drove him back to the cabin as he lay on the back seat with his leg up. I rode with Jan and Ken.

Thursday we spent visiting at the cabin. Dennis and I took off late that afternoon. We had planned to stay with Aimee that night, but Dennis' leg was so bad, he insisted we go home so he could sleep in our own bed. I never thought I would own an adjustable bed (didn't think it was worth the expense) but this one (REM) has been a life saver. He can elevate his legs to drain the edema and his torso to keep the reflux down. One can lay in the same position for many hours without pressure points, aches or pains.

The cabin was amazing. I don't want to forget the features, so bear with me. The architecture was very well thought up. It was built on a hill with a gorgeous view from the living room windows on the west. The upper level was spacious with a huge open concept kitchen  and living room. It was about 100 feet in length. There was a large fireplace and book shelves in front of the five foot wide stairway. To the left behind the living room, the first door was a large walk-in storage room with 8 foot long shelves on one side and storage for folding chairs on the other side, with long tables on their end at the end. The next door was a bedroom with a walk-in closet. Next was the bathroom with an interesting design. In the back there were two doors. Behind one door there was a bathtub/shower and toilet. The other one had a shower and toilet. In front of that there were two sinks with mirrors, one at each end and an open archway to the hall. The next door had another nice bedroom.

To the right of the cabin, the large kitchen had beautiful, tall kitchen cabinets (8-10 feet tall) in the back. There was a doorway that led to a large laundry room with a modern washer and dryer, a half bath in the back, a back door to the right and two large walk-in pantries (8 x 10 feet) on the left. One pantry next to the kitchen used for food, paper supplies, etc. The next pantry is used for all kinds of other storage with large custom built shelves. Back to the kitchen, there is a raised L-shaped bar that faces into the kitchen with corresponding cabinets, countertop, two stoves and a sink.  There's 8 bar stools, but room for twice that number. To the right of the cabin, there is a wall of windows along the kitchen/dining area. Under the windows in the kitchen area is cabinets and countertop about 12 feet long with a double sink and a dishwasher. The bar ends in a wall of cabinets at the rear. A large refrigerator is on the back wall among cabinets. The bathrooms, laundry, storage, utility,  kitchen, dining and entry have large floor tiles. The rest is a thick, soft carpet.

In front of the kitchen is a long dining table. There is a round dining table to the right of the entry and to the left of it, there is a large decoration with fake trees, rocks, bears, etc. out the front door is a large deck that spans the front and wraps around the kitchen and past the laundry and rear door.

Downstairs there is a walk out basement (large patio and parking) with a large family room (with ping pong table, air hockey table, piano, table, hide-a-bed, fireplace in front of the stairs and more custom book shelves). To the left is a bedroom, bathroom (2 sinks and separate room for bathtub and toilet), utility room (furnace, 2 water heaters, storage), bedroom, and a children's play area under the stairs with a half door. On the right there is a bedroom, galley kitchen (stove, refrigerator), bathroom with large custom cabinets for storage, bedroom, and a large theater room behind the stairs with two levels. At the back of the theater room, queen bunk beds. There were several couches and there were foam queen mattresses on the floor in front. There was an entertainment system on the back wall and a projection system. The front wall had speakers built in and served as the screen.

The cabin was landscaped and beautifully decorated. The propane tank was buried under landscaping. One garden had an old wagon. Another had a sharpening stone wheel and some other antiques.

The cabin was situated so the left side (living room) faced west with a gorgeous view of Star Valley and the right (kitchen, laundry, etc.) faced a small forest canyon, a little stream and a little man made dam.