Years ago Dennis told me, "Too many people get caught up in the importance of positions and callings in the church. They think their value is measured by the importance and power of their callings. They don't get it. God's eternal family is what matters. The church is here to help us get back to our eternal family. The priesthood is here to serve and help in that effort. When you see Jesus using his priesthood power, it is in service to others. You see him loving, caring, healing and teaching them what they need to do to return to their Father in Heaven". The priesthood doesn't have a monopoly on loving and caring and teaching and healing.
Why be jealous of the priesthood? My personal feeling is that It's in God's design for men and women to be different. That way it takes two different halves to make a whole. Eternal marriage makes even more sense with that understanding. My husband has always put The Lord first and by doing that, puts me and our children before himself. He's a good example of honesty and service.

This was my response and feelings about a current topic in the news. Let me use another analogy:  professional athletes such as basketball players and soccer players are professional  athletes because they have fine tuned physical skills and are more athletically talented than most of the rest of us. That is why I am so skeptical when a leg accidentally flys out to trip another player or an elbow accidentally flys into someone's eye. That is why I am also skeptical when a women's rights attorney who is expert at crafting words and expert at getting sympathy and trying things in the court of public opinion acts like she loves the church with her words while she twists daggers into it with her actions. "By their fruits ye shall know them". I believe she has her own agenda and that agenda isn't out of love for the savior. She seems to love attention and power and controlling others. I won't use her name. I was listening to a song today..."and give all the glory to me. Give it to me". A far cry from the humility of our church leaders who don't seek power and dominion, but serve with love. They are deeply humbled at the responsibility and workload of their callings and responsibilities. I think we should be suspicious of anyone seeking power and dominion over us.

A relative of my daughter in law was a newspaper co-worker of Thomas S. Monson many years ago and saw him when he returned from a meeting at church headquarters. He noticed T. S. Monson was very pale and shakey and looked sick. He asked him, "What's the matter Tom? Did they call you to the twelve apostles or something"?

There's a discussion that needs to take place, but how do I bring it up? What does Dennis want to see with our family after he's gone? He's always been a hard worker and now he has feelings of worthlessness. He still tries to help me, though the simplest tasks cause him to be exhausted. He's so apologetic about getting sick. He's realistic about what we are facing. He's searching his soul about whether to do the last two chemos. It seems he's afraid to talk about the distant future, that he's imposing on me by being sick. I will continue to assure him that I want to be here with him and for him. I'm in it for the long haul and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I want him to express his wishes about the future.

I've tried to do some research about signet ring cell linitis plastica. They tested samples of the tumors and told us it is not the genetic form of the disease. The good news is that our children don't have to worry about inheriting it or the associated lobular breast carcinoma. The bad news is that while the genetic form responds fairly well to treatment, the environmental form does not. It is very aggressive. It can cause many problems besides problems with eating and digestion. It can cause bowel blockage requiring surgery or radiation. It can stiffen and inflame the lining around the heart and cause cardiac tamponade. It can cross over into cerebral spinal fluid and affect the brain, causing Alzheimer's or stroke symptoms. Dennis' blood is so thin that it's crazy that he got a DVT. The oncologist said this was a complication from the cancer and no one can guess the next crisis we will face.

Approximately 25,000 people per year in the U.S. Get gastric cancer. About 2,500 get linitis plastica. Of those, 51% have the genetic form, so about 1,200 have the environmental form. Of those, most are Asian and most of those were born in an Asian country, with Japan and Korea having the highest incidence. Most of the victims are women. They don't know what causes it in a white male born in the U.S. He has traveled to Japan (no sushi in Japan), Brazil and Mexico.

We are blessed that Dennis has medical insurance and that they have been very good to us. July 1st we start all over with deductibles and out-of-pocket. Everything is so expensive. We are grateful for "Cowboys for Cancer". They sent us a financial grant that helped us get caught up to date with our medical bills.

I saw Sandy Owens at the grocery store. I truly believe she knows what I am going through, as we talked and cried together...only she's been going through this for over 4 1/2 years. I have much to learn from her.

As the days passed, Dennis got sicker. Aimee came to help for the week. She is such a wonderful daughter. We were supposed to help Paul and Kyla move to Tennessee but we postponed the trip one week. Even then it was doubtful he would be able to travel. I arranged for wheelchair assistance and he didn't argue.  A little boy at the airport asked him what was wrong - why he wore a mask. He explained he was sick and the mask protected him from germs. Many people stared at us...Dennis with a mask and me pushing a wheelchair (at Detroit the chair didn't come with a person to help).

At Paul's, he felt a little better each day. Before traveling he had injured his thigh, but it appeared ok, but sore. His leg would swell a little but then go down at night. Then one day it didn't look right and the swelling didn't go down. Paul and I were worried about DVT but Dennis declined having me take him to the hospital. Dennis knew this would be the last time he would see Paul. Paul was starting a 6 year residency the end of June and there would be no time off for several years. Kara was driving 8 1/2 hours to bring her kids to see him and to make some memories. We haven't seen those grand kids in a long time. It might be the last time he sees Kara. He always put his kids first.  What would you choose if you knew you would never see your kids or grand kids again in this life?  There were many tears shed at good bye.

We should have insisted on a hospital visit as his leg got worse and he got a P E. He was finally ready to go to the hospital. We spent the night at the hospital so we wouldn't miss time with the kids. The ER doctor allowed us to do the Lovenox shots, but the male nurse became very alarmed when Dennis said we should just give them in the I.V. They had started. Dennis protects his chemo port.
Dennis told me, " I can't travel anymore when I'm on chemo. It's too hard.

Paul's home teacher trained at Cleveland Clinic and recently came to Rock Springs to practice. He's a gentle giant at 6'11". He told me of an old conference talk where the authority described terminal cancer as a disease of love, going on to explain that it allows families to grow stronger and to prepare and say their goodbyes. When Duella died, I discovered it was a privilege, not a burden. The Lord was preparing me. It's been an amazing 38 years.

It was a treasure to watch and hold and love our grandchildren. They were so cute and played well together. Colby (3 years old) scraped his leg and said to Lydia (2), "Come give me some feel better". Lydia kissed the scrape twice and Colby said, "Ahhhh, you love me"!

Tennessee is beautiful. The streets are narrow. Traffic goes about 15-20 mph above the speed limit on the freeway during daylight. The people we met were nice. Paul and Kyla were amazing to us as was Kara and her family. It was hard saying good bye to our loved ones.

Dennis was in a lot of pain traveling home and for almost another week.

The next chemo seemed to be a little better. He kept his potassium and hydration better. He has been able to eat better. He's still very tired.

Justin has become an accomplished cook and he made several meals for us. He spent all day cleaning when we were away for chemo. I don't know what I would do without my kids. They have been a source of help and strength. The bonus is that they come with cute grand kids whom I love dearly and whom I pray for daily. Each one has unique talents and a unique personality.

The men made a trip to Las Vegas to make memories. In the past they went there for the Mountain West Conference, but that was during Duella's funeral and before the diagnosis. They went to the Body Works exhibit, a car show and a baseball game - and of course, good places to eat. Dennis described a tender scene of four grown men crying at the airport.

The next week, Justin (with Dennis) drove Paul and family to Salt lake to fly home.

Friday was the third chemo. We went on a walk with Aimee, David, Molly and Sara. It was beautiful. The cottonwood trees shed so much cotton that it looked like snow...a lot of snow. They have been so good to us.

At chemo, they had a potluck lunch and invited all the patients.We ate grilled burgers, chips, fruit and chips before Dennis got too sick. The last chemo was so bad that Dennis thought he was going to die. His blood potassium had been low and that caused cramping, tetanus and hiccups. Justin and Paul told him not to take his diuretic and to eat lots of foods with potassium. This time, chemo went much better. He is tired and sick but without the tetanus.

I feel bad when he apologizes for getting sick and inconveniencing me. It's not an inconvenience. He is the love of my life. With tears in his eyes and breaking voice, he thanks me for marrying him. I am the lucky one and he is my treasure.

When Dennis gets his IV chemo, they give him a med with platinum in it. It gives him a lot of static electricity and it discharges when someone comes close, giving quite a shock. He is more sick this round. Tonight he said he won't do more than six treatments. It makes him too sick. We went to a local Mexican restaurant. Last round at this time, the food sat well and was good. This time he can't taste and everything feels greasy. Kenneth, a former boss, made arrangements with the hostess to pay for our meal. That was one of the many kindnesses shown to us.

I can't imagine constant nausea and trying to eat and drink. Chemo affects the taste of everything, so it's difficult to find food that tastes ok and won't make him sicker. We've tried some of his favorite foods but often he can't tolerate them. Diana H. Gave him some good ideas. Cinnamon bears and cracked pepper Triscuts seem to work best some says.

He's supposed to drink two Ensure a day, so we have 2+cases from COSTCO and most of them are still there. Paul and Justin keep cooking favorites like carne asada, Pork lettuce wraps, teriyaki steak, Italian food and all kinds of recipes they've gathered over the years. Anything Dennis eats at a restaurant has to be fresh cooked and he can't have salad bar.

I know he's feeling very sick, but I know how important it is to make memories with our kids and grand kids.

This weekend, Paul, Kyla, Justin and Dennis were singing around the piano.  Paul and Dennis took it as a challenge to make Justin sing “Tiny Hands” and he usually cries his way through it. He made it without too many tears. Dennis, however, could not get through “Brothers” and really broke down when he sang, “I am ready for the grave”. It was a tender but sad moment.

Dennis has been more ill with chemo than the last time. When he can stand to do something, they have been putting together puzzles. That was kind of difficult when Justin’s family was here for the weekend because Christian kept destroying the puzzle. They finished a Thomas Kinkead puzzle Wednesday night late but it was missing two pieces. They played music that they grew up on while working on the puzzle, like the Carpenters, Dan Fogleberg, Chicago, and many more from that era and years to follow. There are so many memories that those songs bring back (Leader of the Band, etc.) I hope to have many more moments like this.

Dennis has a tetanus-type reaction to the chemo this time where muscles would contract and he couldn’t straighten out limbs or open his eyes. It also turned his face bright red yesterday. He’s a lot more nauseous. Paul’s three girls have had a virus (RSV is the one going around this area right now) and we’ve tried to be careful around Dennis. Kyla has had her hands full with sick kids and now just Alexis is sick, which means Kyla gets very little sleep.  I’ve got it now so I have to keep  a distance from Dennis.

Justin and Paul have been showing each other their new culinary creations, so it’s been a gourmet meal nearly every night. To name a few:  Stuffed shells with marinara, lettuce wraps, fettucine with fresh basil cream sauce, chili and cornbread (yummy), teriyaki steak, prime rib, BBQ ribs, carne asada and then Chinese egg rolls tonight. I’ve gained a few pounds and desperately need to lose them. However, Dennis has held his weight steady while he lost about 8 pounds the first week after the last chemo.

Kyla was up past 11 PM last night doing dinner dishes. While my sons are good cooks, it takes about two hours to clean up the kitchen afterward.
I am blessed to have these loved ones around me.

There are many things I have come to love and admire about Dennis during our 38 years of marriage, but I grew to love and appreciate him even more after seeing his tender love and care for his mother during her last few years. The ladies at the Villa (independent living facility where Duella lived when we moved her back here) stopped me one day to say, “We were just taking about your husband. He’s not like a son. He’s more like a daughter. We all have sons and they don’t treat us as good as he treats his mom. He treats her more like our daughters treat us”.   (What a compliment to him).

This second round of chemo has been very hard on him. He looks much older and looks very tired. He has such a good attitude. It breaks my heart to see him like this. If only I could bear more of his burden. He’s worried about me and he can see the sadness on my face that I can’t hide and he notices that I quietly contemplate a lot. I try to be strong for him. It’s too much for me. I have to put it all in the Lord’s hands. I cannot do this without his help.

I’m not mad at God. I don’t believe that God does bad things to good people. That would be evil and God’s not evil. We chose mortality and with mortality comes good and bad, joy and suffering. That’s all part of the deal. Without it we would be obedient little robots with no capacity for feeling or compassion. When we suffer, we learn compassion for others and we learn to love and serve others. Sometimes God sends healing miracles. Even when he withholds healing miracles, if we pay attention, we will see many other miracles of his love around us. He has a great plan and I trust in his plan. It doesn’t make it easy, but he is there and sends others to be there to hold me up when my legs want to collapse from under me and gives me breath when I feel I can’t take another breath. I can’t bear to think of him suffering or to live without him for any great length of time. My life with him has been amazing and full of happiness. I pictured growing old with him, serving an LDS mission with him, watching our grandchildren grow up with him. I am strong and I will be ok.

When Dennis’ mom died, his family grew in love and appreciation for one another. Perhaps this trial will help all of us show more love and appreciation to our loved ones around us. We tend to take things for granted but a loved one can be gone in a moment (one breath away, one heart beat away). I have been given this gift of time to show more love to him and to show my love through serving him. I hope I can use the time wisely.